"The core of authenticity is the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and to set boundaries" Brene Brown
Of course Brene Brown's quote is spot on and at mid-life and after many, many years of working on my own personal development and self-growth which started at around age 24, I can honestly say, I have lived authentically most of the time...At 50, I'm probably and finally at about 90% shooting for that last 10% in the next few years, what can I say it's hard in this culture with the expectation, particularly for women, to sacrifice so much of ourselves for others. It has not been an easy journey, especially as a first generation Mexican-American female and daughter of immigrant parents. It has definitely been a process and fortunately certain life experiences early on, helped set the course for me, such as a love for the outdoors/adventure and sports at a young age, interest and knack for academics/learning (came easily) and a strong and courageous mother as a role model to name a few.
Imperfection comes naturally to me, as it should to you as well. You see we are all born perfectly imperfect. There is not one single human being on the face of this earth that is perfect, no such thing. For some very fortunate reason, perfectionism and stress or worry over my physical appearance or my career or what others have versus what I have, has never really been an issue for me. On occasion yes but a constant worry or stress, no. I feel very fortunate in this arena as I know through my work with clients and through my own observations of friends and family, that the strive for perfectionism and living up to society's and other's expectations can be depleting and disheartening.
What is vulnerability as Brene Brown would see it (link to full article below)?
"Emotional vulnerability is most often felt as anxiety about being rejected, shamed, or judged as inadequate. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (2012)."
Vulnerability, I learned hands down in my early childhood and from my mother specifically at a very young age. I witnessed my mother be vulnerable so many times and in so many ways and situations. My mother was not afraid to ask for help, to look for and find a solution to her or our family's problems. She was probably afraid, ashamed and felt inadequate many times but she did it anyway. My mother was definitely not afraid to dance, sing, laugh, cry or express her love. My mother was not a very good dancer or singer but she never let her imperfection or lack of skills or any of her flaws keep her from doing these things she enjoyed so much.
I have had to make many decisions that others and society have viewed (and even myself at times) as selfish but in my heart, I knew it was really self-care. Many of my decisions around self-care, honoring my needs and wants have been very difficult to make especially as it pertained to the effects they would have on my children and family. Setting boundaries, practicing self-care was something my mother did not do well at all, so in this way I also learned from her. I learned what I didn't want to repeat in my own life. She sacrificed her entire life for others and I think it literally cost her, her life. Sadly, my mother did not live much of an authentic life, there were moments, days and maybe months yes but a true authentic life in the 70 years she lived, sadly no.
The brilliant Gabor Mate speaks and writes about true happiness and contentment coming from living an authentic life (YouTube video below on just one of his fascinating interviews). I couldn't agree more but I often ponder why is living authentically so hard to do? Why do so many of us have to spend our entire lifetimes living so inauthentically? And why do so many, like my mother, die with so many regrets mostly about not living a life true to themselves i.e. an authentic life?
Many, many years ago I was reading a book, I can't remember the author but I know it was a personal growth/self-help book. The author wrote about a research study or something that referenced the idea, that we are ALL born geniuses, with tremendous capacity for creativity, intelligence and joy. Yet by the time we are just 2 years old something like 50% of that capacity is gone and by the time we are 5-6 years for most of us, something like 90% of that capacity for genius has been systematically squashed out of us by our parents and society. These were not mean or cruel parents by any means, they were the ordinary, loving parents of American society, just like me and perhaps you. When I think of what I read in that book many years ago and Brene Brown's quote I have a little bit of an answer as to why it is so hard for so many of us to live authentic lives. If we were raised and accepted by our parents, peers and society as wholly lovable as we are imperfect through unconditional love and support and raised to be vulnerable by openly sharing and expressing our emotions and feelings with no shame (especially boys/males) and raised with awareness and skill for setting boundaries as a form of self-care and self-love then maybe then we would have a chance of living an authentic life from a very early age. Yet sadly, so few of us grow up and are raised in these type of loving, nurturing, attuned, attentive, attached (primarily in the first few years of life), emotionally and psychologically healthy parents and home environments. Despite this, there is hope, we can heal and move towards authenticity. There's many ways of getting there and no one right or wrong path towards healing and authenticity but I find it a privilege every day to help the people I work with to move towards their own authentic life 💙. At times, I wish I could do parenting all over again from this emotionally healthier and wise self 😏well maybe in my next lifetime. I just truly hope my children (particularly my birth child) won't have as difficult a road towards an authentic life as I have had and that I have guided them in some way so that it does not take them 50+ years of their lives to get there 💗.
As always, to learn more about my work please visit: Vida Consulting Services
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