"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." Vicki Harrison
In 2019, I wrote these "Grief Tips for the Holidays" while working for a Hospice Agency as their Bereavement Coordinator. The tips are a culmination of my previous work in Hospice as a Medical Social Worker and Bereavement Counselor. There the clients I served shared and taught me much about losing a spouse/partner, sibling, children (all ages) and close family and friends. The tips also incorporate what I learned through my own losses. It's hard to believe that 2022 is just around the corner and we are still reeling from the effects of COVID-19. On top of the expected and unexpected deaths we face every year, we also lost many more loved ones as a result of this pandemic. May these tips be helpful to you or someone you know who is grieving.
Tip #1: It’s ok to drown out your pain in a flurry of Holiday activities and it is equally ok not to participate in any Holiday activities. The middle ground is also OK, participating in some and not in others. There is no right or wrong way to do grief and it doesn’t change just because the Holidays roll around.
“Do whatever you can tolerate…If you can tolerate going to a mall for shopping, do it. If you can tolerate decorating a tree, do it. If you can tolerate going to a holiday dinner do it. If any of these things are more painful and something you just don’t feel you can do, don’t do it…Your tolerance will increase over time…When you can, you will” Kay Warren.
Tip #2: It’s OK to acknowledge, feel deeply saddened and accept that the Holidays will be different and in fact, they may never be the same, as neither has your life been the same since your loss. Make it OK also that others have not experienced a significant loss (yet) or even that they don’t know how to and/or cannot relate to how you are experiencing your loss especially during the Holidays. Go to https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-tips-grief-at-the-holidays/ for a list of 64 Tips for coping with the Holidays. Here are the first ten:
Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they will be tough.
Decide which traditions you want to keep.
Decide which traditions you want to change.
Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one.
Decide where you want to spend the holidays – you may want to switch up the location, or it may be of comfort to keep it the same. Either way, make a conscious decision about location.
Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
Remember that the way others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the holiday.
Put out a ‘memory stocking’, ‘memory box’, or other special place where you and others can write down memories you treasure. Pick a time to read them together.
Light a candle in your home in memory of the person you’ve lost.
Tip #3: Remember, you will get through the Holidays, just like you somehow have gotten through every day since your loss.
On his website www.grief.com, David Kessler (Grief & The Holidays section) writes: “’Holidays are time spent with loved ones’ was imprinted on our psyche from a young age…But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual. How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? When you have lost someone special, your world loses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss. The sadness feels sadder and the loneliness goes deeper…Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are…They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter…Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday…”
Tip #4: Walk, walk, walk…As a counselor/therapist for many years and as someone that has also been through loss and grief, I cannot underestimate the healing power of going outdoors and walking, especially when we are in deep sadness (depression) and stress. If possible walk in nature (woods, hills, beach, park) or even just a tree-lined neighborhood. We are fortunate to live in Southern California where the sun is out the majority of the year. Put on a hat or a cap, grab some earphones (music is healing too and/or just to avoid strangers wanting to converse with you), a pair of sunglasses to cover your eyes and tears (as well as to avoid the gaze of others) and lastly, tissue in a pocket might come in handy too (or just use your sleeves…who cares). I can’t tell you how many times I forced myself to go for a walk after my loss, rarely especially in the beginning, was I in the mood to do it, but "forcing" yourself (pushing past your resistance) to go for a walk can work wonders on our broken hearts.
Photo Courtesy Pexels.com: @Kate Trifo
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