"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men" Frederick Douglass
It seems almost my whole life, I have been witness to the devastating truth behind this quote. Those of us that have spent any amount of time working in the Human Services field know the significance of these words by Frederick Douglass. And, I would guess that those in the educational and prison systems, can relate to it as well.
Recently, one of my new clients openly and honestly shared that she had no desire to have a second child (she is in a long-term relationship) due to the upbringing and raising of her first child being so difficult and challenging. She stated "I have so much guilt about the life I have given my son, it would just be so unfair to do that again to another child". I just wanted to hug this woman for her level of awareness and consciousness. If more of us gave this much thought to what parenting really is and how children are impacted by our parenting, I believe, the world would be a better place, at the very least, there would be less broken men (and women).
This topic is a very touchy subject and I will try to tread lightly. I believe that when we as future parents take the time to plan our children and consider what parenting really entails, we will be in a much better place to provide our children with a strong and stable beginning and foundation. The foundation does include having necessary financial resources to bring a child into this world but even MORE importantly is 1) our own foundation of mental/emotional/psychological health i.e. we would before becoming parents address our own unhealed wounds/traumas and/or limiting beliefs AND 2) building attachment in the first few years i.e. being home as much as possible with our children from ages 0-5 (often that might mean foregoing the new job or promotion, new house, car and vacations so that one parent can be home).
Let's face it, most of us have "issues" and most of us (myself included) will unintentionally pass on to our children our unhealed wounds and limiting subconscious beliefs. Even those of us who have sworn and done everything in our power to not be like our own parents can fall into this unintended trap. Trust me, I was so resistant, scared, nervous to becoming a parent based on what I had experienced and witnessed in my own dysfunctional childhood and family, that I consciously waited 10 years after getting married to finally feel ready. I honestly studied prior to becoming a parent. I read tons of books and learned a lot, worked with children, took my nieces and nephews out for countless outings, etc... I did not want my children to suffer in any way shape or form in the same way that my siblings and I had so I was determined to be ready to be a parent. However, despite all my preparation, at times, I have fallen short of my ideal of the type of Mom I wanted to be. Granted many of us (myself included) are exponentially better parents than our own parents were to us. I have come to terms (sometimes it happens on a day by day basis) to the parent I am and do recognize that at times, I feel really good about my parenting but at other times, I don't. I can see through my own mistakes and actions as a parent and working as a therapist and hearing so many of my client's stories, how easily broken men and women are made. Parenting and my attempts at building strong children is by far the hardest and the most important job that I have ever had.
My client's words resonated deeply with me. They were a reminder and inspiration to continue in my desire and goal to bring open dialogues and discussions and recognition to the importance of sex education, family planning and Conscious Parenting as avenues towards the betterment of the lives of our children, our own lives, society and the betterment of humanity. What can I say? I DREAM BIG
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