"Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life" Susan David
"Living a meaningful life", as I utter those words they sound so simple and yet, the reality is that for most of us, living a meaningful life can be complex and thus gets "complicated". I believe it gets complex because we are all so unique and what we consider "meaningful" can be quite the opposite for someone else. A Google search of "a meaningful life" can be mind boggling and overwhelming, so many perspectives and ideas about what gives life meaning. However, what I believe is true for all of us, is what Susan David, PhD, is referring to in the quote above (full quote below). We will all experience discomfort in our quest to finding purpose, meaning and fulfillment in our lives, that's just inherent in growth and in life. My only wish and part of the vision I have for what I would like to contribute before I exit this life (what gives my life meaning), is that we learn or be taught how to deal with discomfort (strong emotions such as grief, stress, disappointments, etc...and the challenges of life such as failures, rejections, losses, etc...) early on as part of our early education and socialization. Learning (if we ever do) how to cope with strong emotions as adults is often times too late for many people. Even adolescence is cutting it way too close. The negative consequences of not knowing how to deal with and navigate through our emotional and psychological terrain can have dire results in people's lives. I have seen this time and again both in my professional career and in my own personal life as well. Most of us are not born into or raised in homes where parents themselves know how to effectively deal with strong emotions, let alone teach it to their children. I for one was not taught much about "emotional agility" or "mental resiliency" growing up, it was non-existent and in fact, I grew up in quite a dysfunctional family. And I will be the first to admit that despite "Wellness/Mental Health/Personal Growth" being my own field of work, I know I have been unable to teach it very effectively to my own children (I seem to be better at teaching it to clients, than my own family). It takes conscious effort and practice (time and energy), something that sadly most of us don't have much of these days because we are too busy surviving, working and raising a family in this "pursuit of the American Dream" driven culture. It isn't until "things" (life) gets complicated that we then seek ways to deal with our discomfort and stress. Many of us use numbing and avoidance as ways of dealing with strong emotions, we either self-medicate (alcohol, drugs) or by distracting ourselves (soft addictions like working too much, shopping, eating and sleeping too much). Some of us will have the awareness and courage to seek help from a professional however it is usually with the unrealistic expectation that the professional will be able to change our lives in a few weeks or months of counseling or therapy. I so wish this was the case but it rarely happens that quickly. Most often the weekly session of talking and reflection is not enough. It is clients that are able to do the follow-up work the professional is recommending in between sessions that will have the biggest benefit from therapy. I am the first to admit, it's not always easy doing the follow-up work. It's the same reason why many of us will buy/ and read books, go to seminars, retreats, conferences, etc....but just don't continue with the necessary application and practices.
This is a big topic for me as I often feel that if I as a parent had been able to teach my son Andrew more about mental resiliency he would still be here today instead of ending his inner pain through suicide. I don't blame myself (for long) because in the end there really is no one to blame. I tried blaming his birth parents and the child welfare system for a while that didn't work either. I think, we all do the best we can within the familial and cultural framework in which we have been raised and thus what we have been taught (or not taught) about dealing with strong emotions.
Recently, our societal, cultural and educational systems have been forced to adjust to changing and unexpected forces. Although, I know the impact of Coronavirus has been extremely difficult on many, perhaps it can also be a time of positive changes moving forward. I am not a big proponent of adding more to schools as they already do so much but perhaps what we actually learn in school will change with emotional and social intelligence becoming just as important as academics. Perhaps someday, a national non-profit will partner with the schools and require all students to participate. Hopefully it will not be seen as a "must do" but a social/emotional/psychological curriculum all students will eagerly look forward to. This is part of my vision and what brings meaning to my life, helping others learn emotional agility, mental resiliency and connection with our inner guidance (intuition). As well as someday being a donor or sponsor for programs that will teach these skills to children early in life.
I have known discomfort and have learned to accept it (not always willingly) and deal with it. Would I rather not have any discomfort? Of course but as Susan David's work and quote reminds us all, strong emotions, discomfort, stress it's the price of admission to a meaningful life, there really is no way around it. However, if we were to all learn this early in our lives as a normal and accepted part of our education and socialization, I believe it would go a long way to solving and preventing much suffering for all of us. Discomfort, stress, change, growth, it will always be part of life, how we react and respond to it is where emotional agility and mental resiliency can make all the difference in a person's life and I believe make a difference in the world.
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