Feel, Release and Move On...

"Cry yourself a River, Build yourself a Bridge, then get Over it"

I saw this quote on a bumper sticker many years ago and thought how wise. It represents my model of living life and particularly how to deal with the hard times and crisis in our lives. I have always felt it is necessary and nothing to be ashamed of to have our own pity party when we confront troubles no matter how insignificant they might seem to others (and it's usually our own minds doing the comparison). Or when we are just feeling sad, down or sorrow for whatever reason or circumstance. You are feeling whatever you are feeling and that's it and it's ok...cry yourself a river. Stay in bed, feel sorry for yourself even if just momentarily, see a counselor, find someone to talk to, whatever it is you need to do to give expression to your hurt, pain, sorrows, etc...just don't try to deny, justify, intellectualize or try to answer why you shouldn't be feeling this way. If you try to suppress, feel guilty about or in any way try to minimize what you are feeling, that is resistance and it can only make things worse in the long run. And men especially are susceptible to stuffing it all in. If we could witness the pain that the erroneous belief we are raised with that "big boys and men don't cry" has caused, I am sure we could eradicate that belief quickly from our culture. However and unfortunately, most of us still operate from the belief we shouldn't be feeling whatever it is we are feeling. We are ashamed, often feel guilt and don't want to be seen as weak or not being stronger.

The challenge sometimes with crying a river aka having our own pity party is that we often get stuck there. Each person will be unique in terms of how many tears they will shed or how long the pity party will last, it can be an entire river or months of a pity party or maybe just a day but there does have to come a point where we need to start building that bridge and getting unstuck from those very low vibes.  It's OK to be in them as we sometimes just need to be there but the risk of staying stuck is great if we don't learn how to release our feelings. And in my opinion releasing should be the easiest part but is often the the most challenging part. That is because we continually try to mentally understand, we try to form a mental construct, a story or reason for why we are feeling a certain way AND we are also thinking about who is to blame for the situation, even it it's just ourselves we are blaming. This just spins our minds into a vicious cycle of mental stories and thoughts that are not productive and do not allow us to release once we have felt what we are feeling.

The 10 week practice from the book The Presence Process by Michael Brown taught me a lot about allowing and accepting my feelings and what's funny is I thought I knew quite a bit already. Tosha Silver one of my new favorite authors has also taught me about releasing (something I also thought I knew a lot about). I am always amazed at how much we continually learn in life...if we remain open and curious. Her books are Outrageous Openness and It's Not Your Money:How to Live Fully from Divine Abundance.

Step 1: Feel 

Don't try to mentally understand or justify your feelings, just feel the emotion (where in body/how does it feel in body), you can ask yourself "What am I feeling?" but DO NOT ask "Why am I feeling this?"

Step 2: Release 

Let the emotion/feeling just run through your mind and body and then let it go. This means not putting your attention on the problem, people or situation. I find it helps a lot to repeat something to yourself such as a prayer, affirmation or a thought (statement). I often use "Help me release these thoughts that don't serve me" I learned this statement from one of my favorite teachers Jacob Glass.

Step 3: Move On 

Moving on often requires action but although action is not always required, it helps a lot. Go for a quick walk even if you just walk around your block-once or if your at work, walk a few steps from your desk to the bathroom or break room, move a little at your desk, stretch for 5 minutes or soft/gentle dancing for a few minutes. Movement is great but often times Step 1 and Step 2 are all you need to do especially for day to day issues and conflicts. I find movement almost necessary for deep pain and grief.

The same night I wrote the rough draft of this blog post, I got a chance to practice what I preach. My 15 year old son tested me right before we were going to bed. I found it interesting, how "coincidental" his timing was. My son can be a bit moody these days and was upset that I was having him take summer school to make up for a low grade. Because it's an on-line class he was even more upset that I was having him go to school at 8am to do the work in class rather then at home. I was also making him retire his phone by 9:30pm (that meant off and in the living room from 9:30pm til the next morning Monday thru Thursday). He was so upset that after I told him the new schedule for summer he closed the door to his room and didn't respond to me. I said "Please answer and confirm you heard what I said. I know your upset but you still need to say something before you close your door even if it's "this sucks" or just "ok". He said "OK!" and more or less slammed his door. I was pretty good about not being reactive but when he didn't come to kiss me goodnight which he does every night, then I got upset. I went over to his room to say goodnight, I said "I'm not the one that got the low grades that now have to be made up". As I got into bed upset and hurt with his reaction, all the "stories" came up, such as "why do I have to be the bad guy, his Dad,  is always seen as the good guy, he could of told him" "this kid is so ungrateful and spoiled" "he's never going to make it to college" "how did I create such a rude child?" etc...and then about 5 minutes later, I remembered to go into what I had just spent months practicing. What am I feeling? Hurt, rejection, anger, tightness in my chest. As soon as I acknowledged those feelings I eased up. I said to myself "God help me to release this anger" and that was it, that's all I needed to release both my emotions and my son from my negative thinking. I then laughed and had a deep sense of appreciation for my husband who has been so patient with my own moodiness for over 24 years! The next day my son was just a little moody in the morning but he kissed me goodbye and by the time he got home, he was in a good mood and we had a great rest of the day. Years ago, that interaction could have taken a whole different path one that might have included a consequence for "being rude" such as losing his phone the next day. In my mind I would have  been teaching him a lesson for being rude. Then my son would have been even more upset and on and on for a day or two or even a week. It's so much easier
and feels so much better to feel, release and move on.

I hope you practice and find this technique useful. Please don't beat yourself up if you only remember to do it once in awhile, every time you remember helps and eventually you will get to a point where feeling bad, upset, yucky inside, just doesn't get tolerated by You anymore and you move towards feeling, releasing and moving on quicker and quicker. Also please remember, I don't know if you ever get so good that you will be this completely non-reactive and enlightened being...or maybe but that sure is not me (not yet at least). Just today, I carried an issue with an acquaintance way too long (at least half the day) til I finally remembered to feel, release and move on. Unfortunately, I said and did things that I could have avoided if I had just done the process sooner. Oh well, life is not over and no one is perfect.

As always join me in learning, growing and Enjoying the Journey:
www.vida805.com
www.vidaconsultingservices.com