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Broken Pride

Don't count the number of times you have been knocked down, get attached to the number of times you get up"-Lisa Nichols
I realized not too long ago that my pride has been broken for years. It broke for the first time at the end of 2013 when my husband and I failed at our first business attempt and ended up filing for bankruptcy. It finally shattered to pieces when my son, Andrew took his life in May of 2018.
A Google search on pride defines it as "a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired". 
Before 2013, I would say I had a pretty healthy sense of pride for what I had accomplished in my life, for having worked hard, treated people well and doing what I felt were the "right things" for my life. I had been dedicated to the service of others since age 18 through my choice of career (social work) and my husband and I had intentionally planned our family, giving birth to our biological son and adopting 3 children from foster care, wanting to give them a permanent and loving home. 
Since early 2014, I had been slowly trying to mend my pride, mending my self-esteem, my sense of success and accomplishment which had been shaken to its' core by our business failure. However, in 2018, when our son, Andrew, the youngest of our adopted children and the one we felt most connected to, took his life at age 17, just one month before his high school graduation and two months before his 18th birthday, any sense of healing or mending I had done with my pride, fell to the wayside and laid in pieces on the floor, along with my broken heart. 
My son, Erick, introduced me to Jon Bellion's song All Time Low over a year ago as we headed to San Francisco for a summer camping trip with some of his friends. I LOVE music but have to admit that if it wasn't for my now 16 year old son, Erick, I would miss out on a lot of modern hits/song, he keeps me up to date. I love hearing the verse in Bellion's song when he says he's been trying to fix his pride but "that shit's broken, that shit's broken" and when he says he's at an "all time low, low, low...". Those words resonate very deeply with me. Bellion of course is referring to a whole different situation but as we all know, pride and hearts break in many, many ways and from so many different situations.

Lyrics from All Time Low by Jon Bellion (link to song below):
I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie (lie, lie), lie, l-lie, I try to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low"

I felt and thought my business failure, bankruptcy and financial losses were as low as I could get but when Andrew took his life, I realized how wrong I was. In May of 2018 and the months that followed, I reached my "all time low" and my pride was completely broken and shattered. There did not seem to be any sense of mending or healing from the shame, stigma, guilt and pain that suicide has on a family, especially parents. 
Fortunately, I am moving from my "all time low" with a renewed sense of commitment to my personal business goals and helping to heal other young people like Andrew, by sharing his...our story. My pride is definitely broken still but you know, I kind of like it now or maybe I am just used to it, it's liberating. It's kind of like, there's nothing more to lose and nowhere to go but up.
As I write this, COVID-19 (Coronavirus) is impacting many lives and it may take some of us to our "all time low" and may even break our pride. Getting knocked down hurts and I am sorry for those of you who are or will be challenged by this situation. Any situation that knocks us down, hurts. You cannot compare your lows and failures with others. However, we all need to be able to work on building the mental resiliency that can get us up from our failures, lows and shattered pride. 
I wrote my book Balls the Size of Melons to help share with others how to build this mental resiliency, I would be honored to know it has helped you along your journey (to purchase a copy, please click on the link listed below). I am also using this "stay at home" time to finally launch my YouTube channel, Vida Talks. I am placing the link below and hope to have my first videos up within the next couple months, please join me there (and subscribe) as we learn to enjoy the journey of life-even as we fail, fall, get knocked down or get hit with blindsides.
"Balls the Size of Melons: A Guide to Living a Life by Design," is available to buy on Amazon.

 All Time Low-Song by Jon Bellion

Vida Talks-YouTube channel

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